Happily Single: There is nothing wrong with you!
“There are people who have the things you want, and they are still not satisfied!” - Dr. Thema
I turned 32 this past June, and overall I am in the best state I’ve ever been in my life. I could have only dreamed of living in the peace, hope, confidence, joy and soul wellness that I do today. God is truly healing me beyond my wildest imagination. The fact that I can even write this blog today for the world to see is a miracle LOL!
You can only imagine the lengthy conversations and message threads I’ve had with people over the years when they find out my age and that I’m single, with no kids and not much relationship experience. AND to top it off I’m not actively seeking for someone to marry me and impregnate me right NOW? The nerve- how dare I?! Who do I think I am? First off, it’s very rude to ask someone you’re not close to why they’re not married or don’t have any kids. We don’t owe anyone an explanation. Imagine how crazy it would sound if we started asking people why they have kids and why they got married. I’ve been called an “endangered species”, “weird”, “out-there”, “different”, “a unicorn”, “prude” (and other names I don’t care to share), and it used to bother me so much. We often forget that every person has a story, and we have no idea the journey and life each human being will have here. It’s unfortunate that marriage and kids have been stuffed down our throats for as long as we can remember- especially if you grew up in religious environments like me- that being “happily single” is actually a foreign concept.
Even though I’ve been single for majority of my life, I’ve only been HAPPILY SINGLE the past year. Before that I went through fazes and roller-coasters of emotions feeling like something was wrong with me, being attracted to dysfunction and unhealthy men, trying to form myself into what I thought would make me more “traditionally beautiful and desirable”, over-explaining myself to people and yearning to be content. Now that I’m on the other side of all that, I know for certain that the grace of God was with me. God was always protecting me and shutting doors when I didn’t have the strength or wisdom to do it myself. We don’t realize how so many things we’ve been taught and told have wounded us and molded the way we think, see, hear and “experience” life.
Like when someone says “You’re in your single season.” or “I’m in my single season.” What does that even mean? Why does it have to be a season? Why can’t someone just be single, and we don’t make such a big deal out of it? Or when someone says “Don’t worry, the right person will come along in time.” Now a person can’t even enjoy being single because we unintentionally use singleness as an “in-between” or “fixer-upper” thing until we get to what we REALLY want. And now the person is living their life waiting to be saved, waiting to be fulfilled and satisfied. I’ve even had people (ministers included) tell me (I’m paraphrasing) “Sade when are you going to get serious about life and settle down and start a family? When are you going to get married?” So have I just been playing games this whole time with my life? Is my life only significant when I have a husband and birth children? Is that what really makes me a full person and determines my value? We don’t think about the things we say and what they actually imply.
There is no such thing as a “single season”! Maybe some people are single just because they’re single. We don’t have to over-analyze or over-spiritualize everything. We never allow someone to just enjoy their life without making them feel like they are lacking or something is wrong with them just because they don’t fit the mold we are used to. There is nothing wrong with being single for a lifetime or never having biological children. Unfortunately this toxic belief system leads many people to being in relationships and marriages they weren’t ready for, didn’t want or wanted for the wrong reasons. And many people have children they weren’t ready for or don’t know how to properly care for. God doesn’t make “half persons”. Each person is a whole person on their own and doesn’t need anyone or anything to complete them outside of God. When you have God you have everything you need.
I am so thankful for my pastor and mentor Greg Henry from Gospel Revolution Church for being the first leader in my life to boldly speak these truths over me. His counsel has helped to catapult me into the greatest healings I have ever received in my life. I remember when Greg was telling me over and over that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I’m not waiting for anyone or anything in order to make me feel better or feel complete. He shared with me how when you have Jesus you have everything you need. There is no greater love, support, friendship and satisfaction than that. To have a pastor, mentor and leader in my life who wasn’t trying to pressure or convince me to get married or start a family was refreshing and life-giving to my heart. I felt like God was truly opening my eyes, and I started feeling my broken heart become strong and whole for the first time. Since then my life and inner being have been continuously accelerating in the right direction.
There is a way that God loves that fills your entire being with light and life. Where you never feel unloved or unwanted ever again. I always dreamed of this since I was a little girl and when Jesus first came to me, but I didn’t know how to get there, or when I would get there, or what it looked like for me. (This is one of the big reasons I’m a huge believer in mentorship and having a support team.) But when my heart and soul started to experience this awakening, I knew it was real and what I had always been searching for and longing for. I have never felt more loved, cared for, protected, safe, secure and provided for than I do right now. I feel like God is showing me what it truly feels like and looks like and sounds like to be loved- and it will never end. This divine love will go on and on into eternity. And even should I close my eyes and pass on, God will be there in every breath and moment, and I will awaken to my First Love. Everything in me and my life is now being filtered through God’s good opinion of me and love for me.
Will I get married or have a family of my own one day? I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care LOL! I am so wrapped up and consumed in/by God’s energy, support, adoration and romance that I am not looking for or interested in anything else. I feel complete and whole, not lacking anything or searching anywhere anymore. And all of my relationships (both personal and professional) are now being built from this foundation. I feel like I am finally breathing and living for the first time. I didn’t know what it was like to feel, think, and experience life outside of fear, anxiety, depression, other people’s opinions, religion, and the pressures of my industry. I’m 32 and just truly starting to learn about myself and love myself. Who am I outside of all the chains and dysfunction I used to live in? Who am I outside of stress and worry over the future? Who am I outside of regretting my past? What do I like to do? What am I interested in? What do I want to do with my life and time now that I’m not trying to earn affection and love? I remember God telling my heart at the beginning of this year: “Sade you don’t have to look for affection and attention in anyone outside of me. I will tell you every day how beautiful you are and how much I love you. I will always listen to you and pay attention to you. I will give you everything you need and be everything you need. You can trust and count on Me.” I knew it was time to cut the dysfunctional strings and drop the heavy weights. God has given me a clean slate and a new beginning. I get to unabashedly pursue my dreams, passions and charity work without guilt and dedicate as much time, energy and resources as I want to doing what I love and investing into myself, my community and people around the world. I am patient, kinder to myself, have no expectations of people and I’m actually enjoying my days. I’m breathing in each moment, allowing God’s energy and presence to absorb every part of my being. This is the good life!